Breakups – Lessons from a Past Love
“Breaking up is hard, to move along is even harder.” – Wale
Breakups are painful especially, ones that robbed you of the conversation you are owed by someone you love. I have learned to move through it and adjust to my new reality. There were so many lessons I have learned while moving through this process. I have been trying to reframe the narrative of my breakup. When my ex boyfriend first broke up with me my first instinct was to do everything I could to suppress my feelings and just move on. I owe so much to my roommate Liz and best friend Amari , for holding space with me and always being active listeners when I needed them. They reminded me that I must not be afraid of being in my feelings and to not rush my healing & remain on my timeline. Below are the top 4 lessons that I learned from my breakup.
Lesson 1 – Forgive myself
After the breakup, I would often feel shame and guilt. I would replay scenarios on how I could’ve been a better partner. While it is true, there are many ways that I could have been a better girlfriend, I realized beating myself up over past situations, those that I could no longer control was of no use to me.For me, forgiving myself looked like acknowledging faults but realizing that I am constantly evolving. Additionally, I had to forgive myself for the way that I was talking to myself. Very rarely are we taught how to speak ourselves kindly. When I found myself engaging in thoughts of self blame, I would ask myself “Is this how you would speak to your younger sister if she was experiencing this right now?”
I decided to utilize this time to align myself with the person that I wanted to be/become. A question I had to sit with was – What toxic patterns am I holding onto that I need to release?
Lesson 2 – Self Validation
While listening to an episode of the Friendzone Podcast, HeyFranHey said that she learned to move through her break up by listing the things that her ex taught her and then doing those things for herself. One of the main sources I looked to my ex for was validation. I often needed to hear that everything would be okay after a hard day. Having someone that would remind me even on what I felt were my worst days, would still tell me I was beautiful. So, searching for sources to develop self-validation became my highest priority. Journaling and reciting affirmations were great tools to keep me grounded in tough moments. This looked like reminding myself “ Everything I need is already within me. All things are working for my good. I trust the flow of my life.” My journal entries would consist of me checking in on myself and I appreciated being able to go back and see how far I have come. Heal Haus, a yoga studio in Bedstuy, served as a sanctuary for my healing. It would have been much easier to just use another man as a distraction but I realized not only is that not fair to the other person but I would still be looking for things/someone outside of myself for happiness and validation.
Lesson 3 – Surrender to my feelings
As a cancer moon and sun, I am used to living on an emotional plane. But this constant wave of sadness was new to me, my emotions were all over the place. Somedays, I would be frustrated with myself for not being ‘over it’ in the time span that I had expected to be. I felt like I had tried everything to distract me from this break up and nothing was working. It wasn’t until I sat with myself that I looked for the root of what was causing me so much pain. I realized with the guidance of my new therapist that I was hurting so much because I felt like I had been abandoned. My therapist asked me questions and gave me homework that entailed me being aware of feelings and not feeling the need to ‘fix’ things. By feeling like I need to fix things, I am always living in the future and not enjoying the present. Once I was able to get the root of my feelings, I started to feel like I could actually start moving forward.
Lesson 4 – Give myself grace
I had to give myself constant reminders to move on my own timeline and not compare my journey to others. Additionally, I realized that I need to release control. Oftentimes I was concerned with how I would be perceived after my breakup. I had to learn to release control over how I wanted other people to see me. I relearned that my vision of self overruled how others’ imagined me as a person. So what if months have passed and I still do not feel like I am fully ‘over it’? There is beauty in stillness. You owe it to yourself to take the time to process and heal. A breakup is truly a period of mourning, you’ve lost someone that you learned to live your life with. But, it can also be a time for growth and rebirth. Moving through a breakup pushed me to be uncomfortable because I had to sit with difficult emotions. It forced me to be honest about aspects of myself that I needed to let go . Additionally, I had to learn to be more gentle and compassionate with myself.
I’ll close with a quote from one of my favorite Black women authors, bell hooks. Her words help to remind me that healing for Black women is a collective, ongoing process: “It is healing for Black women who are obsessed with the need to control, to be “right,” to practice letting go” (bell hooks, Sisters of the Yam).
Resources I use to move through my breakup
Therapy
Therapy for Black Girls Podcast
The Friendzone Podcast
Insight Timer (Meditation App)
Journaling
Just Breakup Podcast
The Homecoming Podcast by Dr. Thema